Managing Big Emotions
CATEGORY: PERSONAL
Why:
There are powerful tools we can use to respond to our big emotions, if we can prepare and practice them in advance.
Warm-Up:
The last time you had a big emotional reaction to something, what happened, what did it feel like in your body, and how did you respond?
Exploration:
It's normal to have big emotions, and to be overwhelmed with emotion sometimes. Luckily there are tools we can use to help us stay in control of ourselves in these moments. What have you found is helpful in your life? Here are some ideas (each explained further in the link): Deep, slow breathing; Mindfulness; Exercise; Being in nature; Journaling; Talking with an empathetic friend; Distracting yourself (with a book, a show, photos or music that make you happy). If you could test out one of these the next time you have big emotions, which approach would you try?
Additional Resources
Here is a more detailed description of tools to manage big emotions, drawn from Argonaut and from the psychology practice of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy):
We all get overwhelmed sometimes. Sooner or later, a situation will flip your brain from calm and focused to wild and overwhelmed. If there were a user’s guide to being human, it would definitely include tools to reduce the intensity of our emotions when we need to, so that we can still be aware, make good choices, and feel in control of ourselves. There isn’t much else we can really, definitively control in the world, but we can control ourselves, and that makes all the difference. Check out the list below for tools you can learn to stay calm and cool in difficult times.
Try one of these ideas, or try a few, and look for one that works for you:
Breathing: Your breathing shows how you’re feeling — for example if you’re stressed, you’re probably taking fast and shallow breaths (meaning you don’t breath very deeply or fill your lungs as fully as you could). It goes the other way too - if you change your breathing, you can change how you’re feeling. Next time you’re stressed, try breathing in for 5 seconds, holding the air inside for 5 seconds, and then slowly breathing out for 5 seconds. Then, do that again for 6 seconds each, and so on until you are taking at least 10 seconds to breathe in, 10 seconds to hold the air, and 10 seconds to breathe out. Continue at this pace for a few minutes. Many people find this the fastest way to feel more in control of their emotions.
Mindfulness: This is described more in the Daily Mindfulness experience, but the essence is: mindfulness is like a mental muscle you can build. It’s a muscle that can lift you out of the distracting thoughts and emotions that may flood your mind at times. Instead of being distracted by what someone said, the homework you have to do, the message you just received, all at once, mindfulness helps you drop all of that and have your full attention available to notice how you’re doing, to make good judgments and decisions, or simply to be still and peaceful for a moment.
Movement: In a challenging situation, sometimes the biggest challenges are in your mind. When you move you remind yourself that you’re in a body, and your physical experience can help pause the thoughts in your brain. This can be as simple as taking a walk, or sometimes more intensive like going for a run or doing jumping jacks. For a more advanced level, movement that requires you to think is even better. For example, play a game like basketball where you have to use some strategy, which means your mind will be occupied as well as your body.
Nature: Sometimes our thoughts and worries seem to take up all of our attention. Going into nature helps lift you out of this. Even a short walk in a natural place like a forest, park, or a quiet tree-lined street can bring feelings of peacefulness and happiness. If it’s possible to find such a spot, then even in ten minutes you can refocus your mind on the trees or other natural elements around you, and you may feel more peaceful and calm after.
Journaling: A journal can be like a secret friend, the truest and most loyal kind, always ready to listen to what you have to say without judgment. A journal is also a form of time-travel - you can dial back to exactly what you were thinking in the past, or imagine you are sending words to your future self, who will have more wisdom and perspective on the struggle you’re facing right now. See the experience about journaling for more tips here.
Empathy Buddies: The idea of Empathy Buddies is simple: we all need people we can confide in, to share when things are feeling intense or overwhelming. We need people who can listen to us without judging us. A pair or small group of people may choose to be empathy buddies for each other, which means they agree that when any member of the group is having a hard day, they can message the whole group and get in touch with at least one of them, and have 5 minutes with that person to speak exactly what’s on their mind and heart. It can be amazing how much better you feel after the chance to speak out what you’re worried about.
Distraction: Sometimes our emotions threaten to overwhelm us, and the problems causing them are not going to be solved in this moment. At times, we simply need to distract ourselves. Some of the more positive ways to do this include reading a good book or watching a movie (ideally not ones that will make you feel worse, but rather will draw out a different emotion); doing a kind act for someone else; looking at pictures that make you happy, like images from an adventure with friends; or using your senses, for example the smell of a nice lotion or of chocolate, the calming sound of the ocean, or music you love.
Reference: Linehan, Marsha. DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition.